Is there really healing in the pain?

Listening to Air1 (love that station BTW) and the song Broken from Lighthouse came on, hence the video above. I’m a lyric kind of gal. If a song has good lyrics, then I’m on it like green on grass, otherwise I’m not. These lyrics spoke to me, in a way that most don’t. Perhaps it’s just this very moment where I’m really struggling not to flip my lid over some one’s blatant act of selfishness and disrespect towards me and my belongings. Whether it was intentional or not, that’s not the issue. I’m trying. I really am.

So while thinking about my actions (or really lack thereof), I just began to wonder.. “Is there really healing in the pain? Is all this pain for a reason? What is this pain trying to teach me? And why am I not learning it?” Sometimes I think it’s worth it, and others not so much so.

This isn’t even  about my kids. They are in God’s hands. This is about all the OTHER things that continue to go on in my life. What gives? Can I get a break? Can I get some resemblance of a “normal” life again? Then again, what is normal? If you know, please come to my window and I’ll gladly let you in…

Letter to a bank by an 86-year-old woman. An absolute must read!!

This is a letter sent to a bank by an 86-year-old woman. The bank manager thought it was amusing enough to have it published in the New York Times.

Dear Sir:

I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with which I endeavored to pay my plumber last month. By my calculations, three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his presenting the check and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honor it. I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire pension, an arrangement which, I admit, has been in place for only eight years. You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account $30 by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused to your bank.

My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways. I noticed that whereas I personally answer your telephone calls and letters, when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become.

From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person. My mortgage and loan repayments will therefore and hereafter no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by check, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must nominate.

Be aware that it is an offense under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope. Please find attached an Application Contact which I require your chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative. Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Notary Public, and the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof.

In due course, at MY convenience, I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she must quote in dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modeled it on the number of button presses required of me to access my account balance on your phone bank service. As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.

Let me level t he playing field even further. When you call me, press buttons as follows:

IMMEDIATELY AFTER DIALING, PRESS THE STAR (*) BUTTON FOR ENGLISH

#1. To make an appointment to see me.
#2. To query a missing payment.
#3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.
#4. To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping
#5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.
#6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home
#7. To leave a message on my computer, a password to access my computer is required. Password will be communicated to you at a later date to that Authorized Contact mentioned earlier.
#8. To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 7.
#9. To make a general complaint or inquiry. The contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service.
#10. This is a second reminder to press* for English. While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration of the call regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.

May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous New Year?

Your Humble Client

Thoughts from a noncustodial mother…

Can I just say something about us noncustodial mothers/parents real quick?

Being in my position is not easy. Four years later and I still battle daily to overcome the deep emotions that lie within. It’s not easy, as nothing ever worth doing is. I put it to you like that because this has been a battle worth doing. If I could go back four years ago to the final custody hearing, I really don’t think I would change a thing, and that’s really hard to say. But, because of this position I now lay claim to, I have grown immensely. Some of your greatest challenges bring about the greatest rewards. I’m still waiting for my “greatest” reward, but I have had boatloads of great rewards over the years. And for those I’m very grateful. Every hurdle known to man has made its way into my life. Most of them I have had no choice but to go under, limiting myself to a snail-paced crawl, but every once in a while I will reach a hurdle that I can valiantly jump over landing on two feet with arms raised in victory.

Some mothers leave without a fight so they can better prepare themselves to be stable financially through college, better jobs, etc. And that’s respectable. Really, it is. But I didn’t. I didn’t leave without a fight. I fought hard. Sadly, my attorney didn’t.

I had just came out of a very financial stable marriage, where I had no need to work or even a pursue further education. Sure, I wanted to work at times and even go back to school but that wasn’t “allowed.” So I dealt with it. I always thought he was right. I now see the control and the unwillingness on his part to be my help-mate and to help me utilize my talents and abilities to make an even better life for our children. I was just a door mat for him to wipe his feet on and keep the house clean. But, ya know, in all honesty it didn’t matter to me at that time. I just thought that was what wives did. And, besides, divorce was for the birds. I could withstand. I could fight the I-am-better-than-you-are control. I could force myself happy, right? Not so. It doesn’t work like that. Even my worst nightmares couldn’t have prepared me for what lie ahead; the intense heartache, overwhelming grief, never ending fear, and the many sleepless nights cuddling with two imaginary childless forms and a bed full of tear-stained pillows.

Even with this, though, they are where they need to be. I don’t fight it anymore. All the fighting does is stir up emotions that my children need to be spared from. They have heard the harsh words spouted by their father about how horrible and irresponsible of a mother/person/woman I am; they don’t need more. I know I’m not perfect, but at least I recognize my weakness and shortcomings and choose to expand on those and make a better life for myself now, and prepare a better life for my children and I in the future.

But just because I don’t fight, doesn’t mean I have given up. I know that I my boys and I will be together again. I don’t know when; that’s for God’s choosing, but I’m confident that my prayers are heard, my losses will be recouped and revenge will be paid – when God says. Karma to me is one of these new-age(y) words, but reality is reality. You will pay a price for your actions, and you will reap what you sow. Even the Bible says that in Galatians 6:7. I am sure many of the things I am going through today are just reaping what I have sown. And that’s fine with me. I need to learn these things. I need to be tested and tried and thrown in the fire. I need to be a stronger person individually, emotionally, mentally, spiritually and professionally. I need this. And my boys need this, all three of them. They need a mom (a grown, fully-mature woman) who isn’t going to cower ashamedly anymore under another’s strong arm, a mom who isn’t going to let someone make decisions for her, and a mom who is going to stand strong, confident and be powerful in her own way, in her own time.

So to those of you who are on the outside looking in, don’t judge a book by its cover. I know that phrase has been used well beyond its limit, but we really are no different than you. You have your challenges, we have ours. You may not be a noncustodial parent, but there’s something in your life that has brought you to your knees in the same heartache, grief, fear, sleepless nights and tear-soaked pillows. We love our kids just as much, if not more, than you do. I can only say that because my love has grown deeper and wider as a result of my not being with them. Love has many, many facets, and the kind of love I have now would have never been developed if it wasn’t for our not being together on a daily basis over the last four years.

If you have ever looked down or judged a noncustodial mother, think again. It’s just as easy nowadays for a mom to lose custody as it is for a dad. Not all of us (granted, there are a few) are child abusers, adulterers, drug addicts, alcoholics, nor did we abandon our children and walk away without even so much as a hug. I never abused my children, never committed adultery, never used drugs, drank rarely for a two-year time frame after the divorce, and I for sure didn’t abandon my children. Both of my moves out-of-state were brought about circumstances way out of my control, mostly financial reasons.

Noncustodial parents are stronger and more capable than what we get credit for. Some of us willingly put our children and their needs first so they can have stability. I am one of those. And I’m proud of it. Being ashamed of who I am and what I’ve been through serves no purpose to my children, myself or to you. With all that said, I encourage you to take hold of your challenges and circumstances, your failures and victories and let them stir up within you a new resolve to make the best of every situation and become a better you. You are worth it, even if no one else thinks so!

I triple dog dare you to be a Transformer!

Came across this today and HAD TO SHARE!

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, “Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?” Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightening about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.” – Marianne Williamson

Not knowing who you are, or what your strengths are, is the root cause of fear; of course you are going to be afraid of what you don’t know! So take the time and figure yourself out. You’ll realize soon enough that your past really has “done your body good.” And remember this..

“The opposite of courage is not cowardice; it is conformity.” -Rollo May

So don’t be a conformer, be a transformer! (yes, like Bumblebee) Share yourself with the world, and do it unashamedly.

Just one of my three reasons NOT to play small anymore…

Are you a vision go-getter?

Then, it happened. All of the sudden.. a BIG BANG! Yeah, kinda like the Big Bang Theory where supposedly there was a big bang and everything just appeared, and the lights came on. Well.. my light had finally came without flickering! Yippee. A thought entered my mind and literally exploded. It filtered through my brain waves and seeped into every crevice and fold, restoring moisture and life to a dehydrated, burnt out brain. The envy was replaced with admiration, negative thoughts with accolades and encouragement, and discontentment gave way to satisfaction. I could look at “their” work and smile, thinking how talented and creative they are, only wishing I could give “them” a high-five or a pat on the back for a job well done. It provided a new hope and drive, a new perspective on my past, and a new outlook for my future.

And, oddly enough, with 99.9% certainty, I can guarantee that you have entertained this thought at least once in your life already. Jeremiah 1:5 says, “Before I formed you in the womb, I knew you. Before you were born, I set you apart.” You may or may not understand and/or believe how God works and that He gives to each his own calling and direction in life, but I’m sure that you understand and/or believe that there is more to this life than what you are currently experiencing. Even though I believed what this scripture said, I had never grasped it in its full depth. Until now. Wow. And, even so, I had to believe in myself enough that God really had ALREADY set me apart from the crowd, to do something that only I can do and to prepare something that only I can prepare. That’s easier said than done.

So the thought goes like this.. (*God speaking here *) “Dana, the reason you are so discontent is because I DIDN’T call you to do what they do, I called you to do what YOU are supposed to do. So stop trying to be like them, stop trying to follow in their footsteps. Instead, follow My footsteps and go where I lead. Go to the vision I have given to you. Go where I have made a way. Go where the doors have been opened. Be you, and do it excellently!” (Before you get all flippy fruity on me, no, I didn’t and have never heard God audibly. He doesn’t just show up on my shoulder and scream in my ear. It’s an inner voice, a knowing. It’s a level of communication that He and I have together brought about by my faith and trust in Him. It’s my choice. I may even be the flippy fruity one in your eyes, but that’s okay. I’m cool with it. No hard feelings.)

So in that, I realized that my focus had been all wrong. I have known for quite a while which direction I am supposed to take professionally, but I kept getting distracted by everything/everyone else and losing focus, like really, really losing focus. To the point that I was so far off base that it took a few days just to recognize home from a distance.

The vision He has given me is better than any other vision out there. Not because it holds higher importance or priority than your vision or “their” vision, but because it’s a vision that belongs only to myself. God may give two people the same general ideas and vision so they can work together to implement it, but no two people can bring the same exact perspective to the table. All of my experiences, challenges and traumas emotionally, spiritually, mentally and physically have molded me into a unique individual, one that can never be duplicated. My direction has been made clear and my vision has been reinforced. I no longer have to be a copycat. I no longer have to worry about “them”, because I now have the tools to dig my own pond; a pond where no one goes with the flow and uniqueness is welcomed and celebrated, and where we all differ, yet agree, in every conceivable way.

And don’t worry, my friends, when it is your time, your vision will make you instead of you having to make it. There will be no strenuous exercises involved. (Now that’s what I’m talking about!). Without acknowledgment or effort, the door to contentment and satisfaction will open simply because you no longer have to work at being you. The chains are gone, and the burdens have lifted. Freedom has knocked on the door of your heart, and you willingly obliged. You no longer feel that your life thus far has been a waste. Your past now carries deep meaning and fully-mature substance because, even though you were unaware, you voluntarily participated and persevered, and that’s what vision go-getters do. Participate. Persevere. Prepare. Perform. Perfect.

Your vision is now “Coming Soon to a Theater Near You” where you are the star. And like never before things will start falling into place, and they will do so very fast! You will lay awake all hours of the night because your very own “Truman Show” is playing out in 3D on the underside of your eyelids. You can’t think of anything else. There is no escaping it or denying it. And even though there is great work to be done and time to be spent, your vision is weightless, intoxicating and adventurous. It flows from you like that same overcoming flood that once tried to destroy you. And, this, my friends, is what life is about. The freedom to be you and enjoy what God has developed in you and through you.

Now… breathe a sigh of relief, wipe the sweat from your forehead, lean back in your chair and humbly give thanks, realizing that your time has come. All the tears, pain and losses have been wiped away, medicated and replaced; maybe not fully so in reality yet, but definitely so in vision. And where there is vision, there is reality.

Go get ‘em Tiger!

A photographer with a weary heart

If there is anything I can tell you today, it is to be gracious and thankful for what you have been given, and always be ready to help another. Use your talents to glorify God, not yourself. God will see to it that your needs are met. A heart and life of humility is a heart and life full of abundance.

I remember the very moment that God opened the “photography” door and guided me through, and even the person who He used to remove the blinders from my eyes. {Thank you, dear Jessica!} I had been divorced for only a little over a year at this time and was still struggling to get on my feet, making a life for myself and, of course, mourning the “loss” of my two boys through the custody battle. I constantly prayed for direction and God always gave willingly.

But, you know, in the last 2-1/2 years since that “light bulb ah-ha” moment, I had never found peace. I was a walking weary pot full of jealousy, envy, discontentment and anger because I wasn’t like “them” and didn’t (and still don’t) think like “them.” Why did I have to be so different? I don’t want to be different. Is that too much to ask, God? Why couldn’t you make me like “them?” Life would be so much easier because then I would have someone to follow, and I could be in the “in” crowd instead of the “out” crowd.

And you know “them”; the ones who no matter how hard they try they can’t take a bad picture or sell themselves easily and effectively to potential clients or the ones that have lines of clients waiting outside their doors. The only thing I wanted was to take pictures like they do, network like they do, post-process like they do, etc. And in striving for such, I never found that peace, that place of contentment.

Every time I would see their work or read their blogs or see their videos jealousy would rise up like an overcoming flood. I would then spend the next countless hours of my time trying to figure out how they do what they do. I hated it. But since I knew no other way of trying to fit in with the rest of the crowd, I was going to force it. I was going to become like them and then maybe, just perhaps, I will have successes as they do, meet the people they meet, travel the way they travel, and have loaded bank accounts like they do. Why not? I could do it. It would just take more of the time I don’t have to learn “their” tricks. It would be worth the sacrifice, right? My time would be spent trying to follow “their” ways instead of.. oh say.. spending time with my son or in prayer or Bible study or even taking a nap on a Sunday afternoon or enjoying the beach that God has graciously placed at my doorstep.

Man, what a B-I-G mistake. What a waste of valuable time. For 2-1/2 years I have struggled and fought this inner demon. People would give me tips on this and tips on that, how to do this and how to do that. But no matter how much I tried to fight my way through, I couldn’t do it. There was just no way I was going to measure up to “them.” They had too much going for them, and who am I to compete with that. Depression and discouragement came easy at those moments. The enemy slaughtered me with phrases like.. “You can’t do this!” “Who do you think you are?” “You’ll never measure up or amount to anything!” “You’ll never be successful!” “You’ll never be as good as “they” are!” “God really doesn’t love you as much as you think!” “God isn’t listening to you anymore!”

Sound familiar? It was a daily occurrence for a really long time. The guilt from my past, the shame from my actions, the sorrow for my losses and inadequacies were just too much. It was too hard to fight, so I just stopped. I gave in with the thought that I would never amount to anything good, that all that I have been through and still going through is just for God, not me. Seriously. How long can one really withstand constant beat downs anyway? {more tomorrow}

Moved to Florida..

I know I haven’t been on here in a while. Shame on me. Life has been hectic, really hectic. I don’t know when I wrote last.. perhaps sometime back in March maybe? I’ll give a quick update and then fill in as the days go.

Since the last post, Ethan and I have moved to Florida. It was/is a total God thing. I obviously couldn’t have done this on my own and, really, it was never a thought in my mind. Circumstances just fell into place and here we are. Quite impressive, God!  Details are limitless and really amazing as God orchestrated some pretty wild and crazy situations just to get us here. Not having the financial ability to do such, God has supplied EVERYTHING needed to get us here and take care of us since we’ve been here. Did I mention that he has supplied EVERYTHING.. down to the itty-bitty everyday essentials like diapers and milk and even simple things such as a late night donut at Dunkin’ Donuts or a McDonald’s sundae as a treat after a couple of hours lounging at the beach. I can’t even explain how good God has been to us! {We do eat regular food, too. I promise..  hehehe}

It’s bed time now, as rise-n-shine comes early in the morning now. {What’s with the now’s DANA!} So as the days filter by, I’ll update as I can and explain more of why I’m here and what has been going on.

Much love to all my friends, family, supporters, encouragers and, of course, to my two precious boys who I patiently and anxiously wait for..

A few pics to satisfy..

We need you; they need you

http://heartofgodinternational.com/Publications/BFPCampaign/tabid/2274/Default.aspx

 

Please, please, please help these pastors! They put their lives in danger everyday and do so much more than we have ever thought. These guys don’t have the conveniences that we do but yet they are so content and willingly lay down their lives on a daily basis. All they need is a bike, and that’s not a lot. It’s such a small price to pay for the ability to navigate and even possibly protect themselves and their families. Please pray about it. We only need 10 MORE.

Giving makes you feel good. I did it. My brother did it. And 18 other people have done it. Give even if you don’t have it and watch God open the doors of heaven. He sure has for me.

Consider it. Follow the link. Click the donate button. Pass go.

THANK YOU… so few words, such big meaning!

Vote.. for me.. please

ThirdWishPhoto (my new business) needs your vote.  So please… go… right now…   and I’ll be your best friend, pinky swear!  Gracias.

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Don’t knock Him…

Just an update…

The boys are great. They are starting baseball tomorrow! YAY! I’m so glad their dad finally agreed to let them join. They have been asking to do this for such a long time. I wish I could see them during the season, and maybe I can – at least more than once – but as I’ve learned .. it’s ALL in God’s hands. They belong to God first and foremost, then myself and their dad. I take great comfort in that. Because I have been able to release our situation into God’s hands, I am at such great peace. Many of you may not understand this kind of peace because it’s only something you can grasp fully if you have experienced it firsthand. So if you have a ‘circumstance’ in your life that is slowly pulling you under, give it over to God. Fully. Give him total control. I know it’s hard, but it’s necessary. It’s mandatory. The peace is incredible. The release is freeing. God knows and sees everything. He isn’t oblivious to how someone has treated you or is treating you or the intimate details of your life. He knows the true depth of our hearts and the honest intents of our actions. You can’t hide your being from Him, nor can you hide your actions from Him. So don’t try. You may think for a while you’ve got it all under control. But haven’t you ever realized that everything you try to control always fails? All your plans crash and burn, fast and furious. They do don’t they? You know exactly what I’m talking about. The circles you keep going around in. The three steps back you unwillingly take. The valleys of sludge you reluctantly traverse through, again and again and again. You’re not making any progress, are you? There is no improvement in your life, your circumstances, your stress, your relationships, your confidence, etc. Nothing works. You have now lost all hope. You see no end in sight, no relief in the future. There is no light at the end of the tunnel either. Life is not good.

You know what’s coming next don’t you? The truth. The bare all. The lay it on the line. You have only one option. ONE. The only way to break the cycle is to do things different. You have to shake it up. You have to push out of your comfort zone, lay your life down at His feet and surrender, totally. You can’t give it over and try to steal it back. Once you put it in God’s hands, it no longer belongs to you. Quit fighting the change. Quit fighting for control. Quit fighting what God wants to do in your life. If you don’t, you’ll keep chasing your tail, and we’ve already established how dreadfully painful that is.

I always related this run-around as the definition of insane – doing the same thing over and over but expecting different results. You keep hoping that every step you take will ultimately lead you in a new direction, but they don’t. And because we are creatures of habit, instead of changing our ways, we do the SAME thing again and again. Insane. Foolish. Senseless. Right?

I’m talking from experience here. I am still walking this road, but I am learning daily. Take it from someone who has walked this path and has finally realized the importance of letting it go, all of it. Hand it over to Him. Release your tight grip and begin anew. The feeling of freedom will take you by surprise. It will be so different from what you are accustomed too. It’s like living in another world. A world of freedom. A world of peace. A world of confidence and trust.

God wants all of you, the real you. Don’t be afraid. He wants to be your best friend, and He will be just that if you allow Him to. He has been pursuing you from the day you drew your first breath. He knows you better than you do. He knows what you need, when you need and how you need. He knows what makes you cry, scream and laugh because that’s how He made you. He designed every cell of your being to be you, a one-of-a-kind you. All He asks is that you allow Him to love on you, to shower you with His abundance, His mercy and His greatness. It’s a never ending flow. It’s like a black hole of goodness. What could be better than that? He will make your dreams come true and it will be effortless on your part. He will do the work if you let Him. So give Him a try. Don’t knock Him until you try Him. You won’t be disappointed, I promise!